Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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