I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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