at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
