You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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