Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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