so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
