The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
