After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
