Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
