The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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