her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
