By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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