I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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