I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
