How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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