My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
