Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
