Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
