your parents love me but you hate me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
