Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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