Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
