I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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