dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
