Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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