just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
