Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
