Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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