Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
