You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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