i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
