I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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