my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
