oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
