Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She needs sedatives and a leash
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
