I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
