Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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