How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
