my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
