my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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