In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
