I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
