just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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