I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
