Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
