new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
