I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
