Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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