I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Never let your siblings swipe right.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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