Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
