The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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