I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
